IF you are parent to a teenage boy, chances are you’re used to wet towels being left on the floor, slamming doors, and grunts where conversation used to be.
If you’d love to know what is going on in your son’s mind, you are not alone.
4
Many parents feel that their lad has become an enigma and they don’t know how to start a conversation.
New book Decoding Boys, by Dr Cara Natterson, offers practical suggestions on talking to your son about the important things, as Natasha Harding shows in these exclusive extracts.
BODY IMAGE
4
ONE in three teenage boys will engage in unhealthy weight control behaviours, though many of them are actually trying to gain weight rather than lose it.
It is this desire for bulk in the form of muscle that can drive them to take unstudied muscle-enhancing supplements or anabolic steroids.
The pressure boys feel to look muscular is everywhere.
HOW TO TALK: Throw away the scales. This is not a talking strategy, but top of the list for a reason – kids don’t need to weigh themselves regularly. If they feel the need, there is something else going on.
Beware the use of protein powders and bars. Every paediatrician I know, myself included, recommends a healthy diet packed with whole foods and as light on the processed stuff as possible.
Make body image gender-neutral. Call out boy-specific pressures, and feel free to compare and contrast with girl issues as well.
If you have daughters, flip the equation for them from time to time, so that they can become sensitive to male concerns.
TESTOSTERONE
THIS hormone affects a male teenager’s appearance and sexual development. It is responsible for aggression, muscle bulking and mood swings and impacts how the brain is organised.
HOW TO TALK: Testosterone is not a bad word. The earlier we get into the habit of describing normal body functions, the more likely our children will use the right vocabulary when asking a question.
Use biological words, defining them when necessary. It’s not a drug they should be taking. Talk to him about staying away from hormone sup-plements with no medical reason to use them.
It’s a gateway to a broader conversation about body expectations. Take the opportunity to say something when testosterone is mentioned in the context of manliness, machismo or muscles.
LATE BLOOMERS
4
A LATE bloomer is any boy who has not entered puberty by the time he is 14. If your son doesn’t show signs of puberty by then, take him to the GP so he can be evaluated.
HOW TO TALK: Ask him how he feels. Some parents fear that checking in about this stuff might create worry. But most boys tell me they are relieved to be asked something like: “I’ve noticed your classmates are looking tall these days . . . do you want to talk about it?”
If he’s good with it, you should be good with it. If late blooming doesn’t bother your son, it shouldn’t bother you either.
Don’t overpromise. If he asks when his body is going to change, the best answer is: “I don’t know”.
Follow it up with a conversation starter such as: “Do you want to talk about how it feels to be later than your friends?”
SEX
IF you don’t have the conversations, someone else will. A friend who’s got it all wrong, a family member who doesn’t share your ideology, or the Internet with its endless treasure trove of image-based content, presenting still pictures and videos that, once viewed, your son can never un-see.
HOW TO TALK: It’s all about timing. Your son has lots of alternate sources, so delaying your conversation won’t delay the flow of information. Cover one topic at a time, and repeat each many times over several years.
Cover legal ground. As your child gets older, include topics that span intimacy and legality. These include sexting and why your kid should not solicit a nude from someone else.
There’s also consent, rape and the impact of drugs and alcohol, each of which deserves its own conversation. But they also need to be covered together because your son must know that consent does not exist in the presence of drugs or alcohol.
Don’t assume they know it all. Never assume he knows correct facts about anatomical parts, birth control and STIs.
PORN
4
THERE is no gold standard for how to talk about porn, it is an ever-changing landscape. Our kids face rules on intimacy, pornography and consent – rules that compete directly with what they see on screens. So get started.
HOW TO TALK: Just do it. It’s never too soon to open up conversations about any of this stuff. If your son has access to a mobile device or computer with wifi access, then you should start talking about what to do before he sees sexual imagery.
Start the conversation without judgment. Make yourself available to talk about what he’s seen and answer any questions any time he’s ready to talk. Remember: no judgment, no shaming.
Use anatomical words. There is nothing wrong with saying penis or testicles. Kids should know the slang words for them, too.
More crucially, they should know when not to use them and why. Conversations about language and respect go hand in hand.
DECODING BOYS
TO get the conversation going, take any discomfort you may feel about any of the subjects looked at here and multiply by 100 to understand how uncomfortable your son feels.
When lads are ready to talk, be sure to listen, and ask questions too. Grab a “teachable” moment and turn off devices.
Avoid eye contact, at least in the beginning. Not seeing one another can open the floodgates. Sitting inside the car on a drive is an ideal place for this.
Use other people’s behaviour – both good and bad – as illustrations. Explain without lecturing. Every time you make a blanket statement, follow it with a short explanation of why. “No” is a guide, but “No, because . . .” is far more effective.
Be patient. In order to win at parenting through puberty, have many talks over many years, and take them slowly.
Also, find your surrogate. Talk to your son about who else he can go to for advice.
And finally, when you make the wrong call, set the wrong rule or react in the wrong way, take ownership, apologise, and then give yourself another chance.
- Decoding Boys, © Dr Cara Natterson, (Yellow Kite, £14.99) is out now.
BRAIN DEVELOPMENT
PUBERTY begins in the brain, with the hypothalamus and pituitary glands releasing hormones that trip the “on” switch of a much bigger cascade.
The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed – and won’t be until they’re aged around 25.
It’s this lack of rational thinking that means your teen might make irrational decisions.
HOW TO TALK: Teach pausing strategies so your child doesn’t make the wrong choice in the heat of the moment.
How? Count to ten, or breathe in and out slowly for a few breaths, or, if time allows, take a longer break to go for a walk, kick a ball – whatever helps to clear the mind. Another important way to introduce the talk is to start with the positive.
There’s a reason the most successful bosses and teachers begin a tough conversation with a note of praise – it makes criticism easier to receive. This approach is a game changer.
