Name: Lockdown erotica.
Age: Two weeks.
Appearance: Unbelievably sexy.
Surely you can’t film pornography at a time like this. No, of course you can’t. But this isn’t pornography. It’s erotica.
Pardon? Dirty novels.
Oh. You’ll hear all about it soon. Several enterprising authors have already rushed out their own sexy ebooks, specifically about situations surrounding the lockdown. If you have a Kindle or Kindle app, you can read them today.
What sort of books are we talking about? Well, there is Covid-69: An Erotic Coronavirus Quarantine Story by J Andrews. And Sex During the Coronavirus Pandemic (tagline: “They could lock down her country, but never her heart”). And FFM Lockdown. And The Physical Manifestation of Washing My Hands Gets Me Off, in which a woman begins a lesbian affair with the physical manifestation of the concept of hand-washing.
Please stop. There is also Quaranteen: Step-Sibling Love in the Time of the Coronavirus; and Love in Lockdown, in which the main character says: “Death has his tongue in your mouth, his long fingers around your breasts.”
Done? For now. There will be hundreds more of them in a week, though.
But why? Oh, loads of reasons. You can’t write traditional erotica now because it wouldn’t ring true. There are no chance encounters any more. The plumber doesn’t come to visit. Your personal trainer has to stay two metres from you. Your babysitter has been declared nonessential. Your child’s teacher now gives you feedback solely through Google Classroom. Erotica has to adapt, or it will die.
Why else? People are bored and horny. That’s it.
Why has this only happened with sexy books? In truth, it hasn’t. Since going into lockdown, Amazon has been flooded with coronavirus-related ebooks. There are self-help quarantine dating books, children’s stories, investment guides, workout manuals, parenting books.
But mainly erotica. Yes. And religious books, weirdly. Once you get bored with getting yourself off, why not read something like Christ Is King, Not Coronavirus: A Christian Response to Our Current Pandemic?
Can’t I just read normal books that aren’t about the outbreak? Sure, you could, but that would be missing the point.
And what point is that? That we are living through a moment in history. These books are historical artefacts. A century from now, our descendants will look back at 2020 with puzzlement. The existence of stories such as FFM Lockdown and Quaranteen will show them how we coped.
Do say: “Shakespeare wrote King Lear under quarantine.”
Don’t say: “And today I finished writing my novella Blowvid-19, so I’m practically a bard.”
