AN EXHAUSTED mum has admitted that she feels like she “wasted” her education after becoming a “housekeeper” for her children.
Kate Swenson is a mum to three boys, and runs a blog called Finding Cooper’s Voice where she documents her life caring for an autistic child.
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The mum has recently opened up about the realities of becoming a mother admitting she “never thought it would be this hard.”
She posted on her Facebook page, where she boasts over 500,000 followers, writing: “I am 36 and I’m having a serious case of lost identity.
“Or maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Or a little post-partum depression. Or maybe I’m just tired, overweight and mentally drained. Who knows which one.”
She goes on to say that she is “beyond blessed” to have her three children and her husband and she is happy to devote her life to them.
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She continues: “But some days, some weeks, I don’t feel that way. I feel like I have lost myself along the way.
“I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize myself anymore. And as I approach middle agedness, that is really scary.
“It’s not that I necessary look old. It’s that I look like someone I don’t even recognise. I look tired. I look like I’ve let myself go. I look angry. I look really rushed.”
She says that while she is “typically unrattled” she has recently begun to feel “empty.”
She continued: “I feel like I wasted my education. I feel like a housekeeper, a cook, a chauffeur, and a ring leader.
“I feel like I always have sick kids and I can’t finish the laundry or squeeze my butt into my fat jeans. I know I’m a good mom. I don’t doubt myself in that department. But I also feel like all I am is a mom sometimes.
I want to remember who I am. And what I like to do.
Kate Swenson
“I feel like I’m disappearing into nothing. Some days I am shocked at what upsets me. I didn’t know I could be jealous of my husband for getting to poop alone. He’ll be in the bathroom, on his phone, and I’ll be angry.”
Kate says that she even considers a shower a “luxury”, and while she used to “really care” about how she looked, she now wears a uniform of hoodies and jeans.
She says: “I see myself, and feel sad. I feel like I’ve lost myself. Almost entirely.
“I have no hobbies. I have no time to do anything. I just care for kids. For my home. I keep the ship going.
“I watch tv shows in 15 minute increments. I stare at my phone for entertainment. I answer text messages three days late.
KATE’S POST IN FULL
I Never Knew Being A Mother Would Be So Hard For You…
Hi, my name is Kate and I am 36 and I’m having a serious case of lost identity. Or maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Or a little post-partum depression. Or maybe I’m just tired, overweight and mentally drained.
Who knows which one.
I have three boys, a husband, a home, and a job I love. I am beyond blessed.
I have devoted my life to the humans in my life. And again, most days, I am happy to do it. But some days, some weeks, I don’t feel that way. I feel like I have lost myself along the way.
I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize myself anymore. And as I approach middle agedness, that is really scary.
It’s not that I necessary look old. It’s that I look like someone I don’t even recognize. I look tired. I look like I’ve let myself go. I look angry. I look really rushed.
Rushed to shower. Rushed to eat. Rushed at stoplights. Rushed at pick up and drop off. Rushed to get dinner on the table. Even rushed at Target. Rushed to type this because a baby is screaming and one is getting off the bus in 11 minutes.
And that can’t possibly be me. Rushed. I’m typically unrattled. I’m the one who can handle anything. The boy mom. The special needs mom. The happy one. The positive one. I always smile. I always find the joy.
But lately, I feel almost empty.
When I’m with my kids I feel guilty for not working and when I’m working I feel guilty for not playing with my kids more. It’s a lose lose at times.
I feel like I wasted my education. I feel like a housekeeper, a cook, a chauffer, and a ring leader. I feel like I always have sick kids and I can’t finish the laundry or squeeze my butt into my fat jeans. I know I’m a good mom. I don’t doubt myself in that department. But I also feel like all I am is a mom sometimes.
I feel like I’m disappearing into nothing. Some days I am shocked at what upsets me. I didn’t know I could be jealous of my husband for getting to poop alone. He’ll be in the bathroom, on his phone, and I’ll be angry.
I’ll yell for him to hurry up as one kid is crying, the other one needs to be fed and the phone is ringing.
The other day my husband and I drew straws to determine who got to go upstairs and change the pee sheets. Because it meant 5 minutes alone. I lost.
That’s what it’s come too.
I didn’t know that I could consider a shower a luxury either. Or not have time to do it. It blows my mind.
I am a very capable woman and I can’t find time to shower. I laugh even as I type it.
But with a baby, a very socially active 6 year old and a severely autistic child, showers have to be before 5 am or after 10 pm. And by that point, this mama is exhausted.
I used to care about how I looked. Like really care. I ate well. I exercised. I showered. I put makeup on. I’d peek at hashtags on Instagram like ‘outfits for summer’ and pin cute outfits. Now, I wear hoodies. Dirty ones. Grey t-shirts.
I grab my clothes off of the floor every morning.
And the sad part is I almost don’t care. I’m too tired to care. There are so many more important things to do than look cute. Like sleep. Or get my job done. Or go to Sawyer’s baseball game. And I choose those things with happiness.
But then, I see myself, and feel sad. I feel like I’ve lost myself. Almost entirely.
I have no hobbies. I have no time to do anything. I just care for kids. For my home. I keep the ship going.
I watch tv shows in 15 minute increments. I stare at my phone for entertainment. I answer text messages three days late.
I’m nonstop busy and yet bored at the same time. It’s a bizarre way to feel.
I don’t know how to fix this funk I’m in. But I’m working on it. I just want to stand still. I want to sit. I want to walk. I want to remember who I am. And what I like to do.
I want to slow down so I can enjoy this. Because I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to resent it. I don’t want to be angry. What I’ve learned is that there is only so much of me. And I need to find balance.
This year I will find balance in motherhood, marriage, my job, my home and my sanity. That’s my goal. Learn to laugh more too and give myself more grace.
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“I’m nonstop busy and yet bored at the same time. It’s a bizarre way to feel.”
Finishing her post, she says she is aiming to address the “funk” she is in.
She writes: “I just want to stand still. I want to sit. I want to walk. I want to remember who I am. And what I like to do.
“I want to slow down so I can enjoy this. Because I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to resent it. I don’t want to be angry. What I’ve learned is that there is only so much of me. And I need to find balance.
“This year I will find balance in motherhood, marriage, my job, my home and my sanity. That’s my goal. Learn to laugh more too and give myself more grace.”
She accompanied the post with a photo that her husband had taken of her attempting to potty train her sons.
Her post has since gone viral, receiving over 10,000 likes and thousands of comments from sympathetic mums who could relate to her story.
One wrote: “I see you. I hear you. I’m sorry. Strength be with you.”
A second agreed adding: “I’ve been there, in fact I’m there a lot! All I can say is I understand, and I think you’re amazing.”
Meanwhile a third commented: “Kate, I feel every bit of of this!!! ❤️❤️❤️ You are a great mom, wife, & advocate & you do more for so many mamas out there than you realise!”
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