Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my early 50s and I’ve been married for 20 years with one daughter, who is now at university. My problem is, I feel my wife and I are drifting apart. She spends every weekend going out with her friends, and leaves me at home on my own.
Of course I don’t mind her seeing her mates, but we never go out just the two of us together any more and it’s almost as if we’re living like two lodgers in our own home.
She also goes on weekend breaks with her friends and whenever I suggest that we should spend more time together or go on holiday together, she just says she lives with me and she sees me every night.
I really love her and want our marriage to survive, but sometimes it feels like an uphill battle.
I also try to be romantic – cook her dinner and bring her flowers. I do my best to be a good husband and I work hard so we can have a nice life, so I just don’t understand why she wants to be away from me all the time. What am I doing wrong?
I’d love your advice.
Coleen says
You do seem to be living separate lives. It’s good for you both to have friends and interests outside the marriage, but I wonder why you’ve stopped doing things together. Now your daughter is at university, you’ve got lots of opportunity to focus on each other and do things together.
I think you just need an honest conversation to tell her how you feel. In long-term relationships it’s very easy to fall into a routine and to stop making the effort for each other.
And I’m talking about quality time together – not a quick conversation when she gets home, or a TV dinner. Romance needs working at when you’ve been together a long time.
Your feelings are as valid as hers. If you’re not happy, you need to make it clear that you’re worried about your future together. And get her to be honest with you – is she happy? What is it that she is missing?
Also, when she’s out, why are you sitting at home on your own?
Find some interests of your own and why not book a weekend away or a holiday for you and your wife?
Maybe you just need time away from the routine to reconnect as a couple.
