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Dear Coleen: Why won’t my boyfriend tell anyone we’re engaged?



Dear Coleen

My boyfriend proposed four months ago and we still haven’t told anyone. He hasn’t even bought me a ring.

At the time, it was just before my sister’s wedding, and there was a lot of family stress because of a dispute between my sister and a cousin who was getting married around the same time.

Tensions were very high and my boyfriend and I agreed not to tell anyone until after the wedding, so as not to take anything away from my sister’s big day.

Her wedding was in July and since then I’ve asked several times about announcing our engagement and choosing a ring, and he always gives some vague answer and changes the subject. He often calls me his girlfriend instead of fiancée.

I don’t think he wants to get married, but when I’ve asked him he always says “of course I do”.

We’ve been together nearly two years, he is 32 and I’m 28. I’m very much in love with him and want to live with him and have a family, but he still lives with his mum and won’t talk about moving out. He just says it’ll happen some day.

I’m becoming so frustrated, as I can’t celebrate and I feel like he’s ashamed. How can we move forward? I’m at the end of my tether.

Coleen says

I think you need to be a bit stronger here when it comes to telling him what you want and what you expect. One way or the other, you need to shake your relationship out of this limbo.

Why not say that as far as you’re concerned, you’re not engaged and you’re going to forget he ever asked you.

I’m as confused as you are about why he won’t move things on after proposing. I’m sure he loves you and loves being with you, but might be a commitment phobe.

So he doesn’t want to not be with you, but is frightened to death of committing to anything that’ll take him out of his comfort zone and his mum’s house.

It’s easy to say these things and promise things, but he’s not proving in any way that he means them.

Having said that, you don’t want to feel as if you’re forcing him into ­something he doesn’t actually want. You need to know that he’s marrying you because he wants to and not because it’s ticking a box.

So be direct – ask him to be honest so you don’t waste each other’s time. Tell him you love him and that you’d marry him tomorrow, but if he doesn’t feel ready for that, you need to know because right now you’re confused.





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