Dear Coleen
I’ve been trying to get my partner to take an active interest in the physical side of our relationship for more than 20 years. He is 65, I am 60. He has no sex drive whatsoever, although he is a nice, caring man and I suppose that’s the reason I’ve stayed with him.
We’ve been together for 26 years, but I’m beginning to resent him. To anyone on the outside, we look like the perfect couple – both very attractive, nicely dressed and popular with friends and so on. However, he hasn’t made love to me in, well… I can’t remember!
He doesn’t seem to have any issue with sleeping in separate rooms either, which other people find strange. He’s definitely not gay – I would accept it if he were.
But I feel he’s only with me because I’ve accepted the situation. I’ve made his life easy while he hasn’t considered my feelings in any way.
I’ve always attracted lots of attention from other men, but I feel I’ve left it too late now. My friends tell me to leave him and that I deserve better.
I’d appreciate your advice.
Coleen says
I don’t think it’s ever too late in life to make a positive change. But don’t leave your partner because your friends are telling you to do it. Do so because it’s the right decision for you and you think it’ll make you happier.
You say you’ve tried for more than 20 years to get him interested in sex, so I wonder why you have stayed with him this long.
Is it really only because he’s a nice guy or did the arrangement suit you on some level, too?
I think it’s a shame you didn’t have therapy or even psychosexual therapy sooner in your relationship, but it’s a route you could try if he were open to it. It could help you repair things or ease the transition into separation.
But one thing I’m certain of is, if you’ve started to feel resentful, this feeling will grow and become overwhelming unless you deal with it.
I think you have to admit how you feel to him and listen to what he has to say. I don’t think it is just about sex for you – I think it’s about not feeling desired. It’s make or break time.
