Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my mid 40s and have been married for 20 years. My wife and I used to have a great relationship, but then we had kids and it all went downhill from there – well, the sexual side of things anyway.
We’re both busy and increasingly lead separate lives, and have different groups of friends. We hardly ever have sex and, when we do, it’s pretty dull. We do get on well but more as friends.
A few weeks ago, I went on a golfing trip to Spain with some friends and got to know an English woman there who works in one of the local bars.
There was amazing chemistry between us from the moment we set eyes on each other and now all I do is think about her. We had sex the night before I left to come home, which was great and I’m struggling to feel guilty about it.
Since I’ve been home we’ve been messaging each other a lot and she wants me to go back out there. I think I want a relationship with her or at least to try. Do you have any advice? I know I’d be chucking away 20 years of marriage, but things haven’t been good for a long time and this could be my second shot at happiness.
Coleen says
You’re missing physical affection and sex, and now this hot barmaid’s come along, who fancies you, it’s not surprising you’re thinking along these lines. But I’d advise you not to do anything impulsive that might come back to bite you.
Even with the issues in your marriage, you’re still giving up a lot – years of friendship and love with your wife, and a family life. And she doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, so please think carefully.
But whatever you decide to do, you really need to sit down with your wife and explain to her how you feel about the marriage.
Tell her you miss the sex and intimacy, and find out what she thinks. Is there any way of getting that side of your relationship back? Would you be willing to try?
Or she might surprise you and be hugely relieved that you’re not happy because she’s wanted out for years!
You need to communicate before you go ahead and make any really significant decisions.
