Dear Coleen
I’m a man aged 35 and I’ve been married for six years. For the past 18 months we’ve been trying for a baby without success and it’s starting to put a strain on our relationship. I’ve always been quite relaxed about it, but my wife is totally consumed by it and we have calendars all over the house with her fertile days marked.
As a result, sex isn’t appealing any more – I feel like I’m just going through the motions and she’s so stressed that it’s not a turn-on. There’s no romance, it’s just about getting the job done.
Recently, I’ve even been avoiding going home, staying out after work and creeping in, so she’s asleep and I don’t have to “perform”. I’m also tired of all the baby chat – it’s literally all she wants to talk about.
We’re becoming irritated with each other and I know she thinks I’m not taking it seriously enough. I want a family, too, but not like this and I don’t see why we can’t take a step back and just go back to enjoying each other’s company. Surely it’ll happen when it happens?
I know she’s worried about her biological clock, but she’s still only 31 and I think we have time on our side.
Coleen says
I can empathise with both of you in this situation. You feel like a baby-making machine because sex is just a routine and a means to an end, while she feels desperate because it’s not happening and probably worries that it might never happen. If her friends are starting to have babies too, that can be another pressure, or at least a reminder of what she doesn’t have.
Instead of avoiding her, be honest about how you feel and tell her you’re worried that it’s taking a toll on the relationship – and your sex life.
I’m no doctor, but I don’t think stress helps when you’re trying to conceive and you often hear stories of couples who’ve been trying for years and suddenly decide to actively stop trying and, boom, they’re pregnant.
I also think you should ask your GP for some basic fertility tests to see if there is a physical problem that’s preventing conception – blood tests, sperm count and so on. If there is an issue, you can look into treatment and, if there isn’t, then that should provide some reassurance.
As far as sex goes, why not take a holiday when she’s not ovulating, so you can try to reconnect as a couple.
