Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my mid-40s and I’ve been with my wife for 20 years. We have two teenage children who we both adore.
Life is pretty good – I work hard, earn a good wage and she works part time, doing something she loves.
However, over the past couple of months she’s being going out a lot more, particularly with two of her friends who are divorcees and currently single.
They’ve also had weekends away together to Spain and Morocco and their Facebook pages are full of bikini and bar shots of them having fun.
I know I’m sounding a bit bitter here, but I’ve wondered if she’s having an affair or if she’s bored of me. Now the kids are older, they need her less, and she’s not present a lot of the time. I still need her, though.
Her appearance has changed recently, too – she’s had her teeth whitened, her hair highlighted and she goes to spinning classes pretty much every day. When I’ve asked her why she wants to hang out with these two friends all the time and why she’s not around much, she gets mad. Any advice?
Coleen says
I can tell you’re feeling unloved and insecure, but there might be nothing sinister going on. It doesn’t sound like you have evidence of an affair.
She might simply have hit middle age, realised the kids need her less and decided to focus on doing some stuff for herself, including more time with friends and more time at the gym.
That’s a good thing, but if it’s getting to the point where you never see her, then you do need to talk about it.
So think about how you approach the subject – instead of giving her a hard time about going out, tell her you’d like to arrange some dates for the two of you. Try to tackle it in a more positive way.
Maybe she is a bit bored, not of you, necessarily, but of the same old routine and she’s making an attempt to get out of that rut. But I accept you don’t want to be left behind, so talk to her and ask her to listen without getting mad.
