Dear Coleen
My parents, who are both 70, have decided to move to Spain to be near my younger brother and his family, who live there.
My brother’s wife is Spanish and they relocated there when their first son was born.
My problem is, I feel really angry about it.
I feel they’re abandoning my family and me – I have three children with my husband – in favour of my brother and his family.
It’s always been this way.
Growing up my brother always came first.
He’s six years younger than I am and was a much-wanted second child.
They’ve always spoiled him and he’s always got his own way.
I can think of numerous occasions when my parents have dropped everything to help him out, including cancelling their holiday when he broke up with a serious girlfriend a few years ago.
They even missed my daughter’s birthday party because he was moving house and needed their help.
When my mum told me they were moving, she even said, “We’re both retired now, so there’s nothing keeping us here.”
Um, what about me and her other grandchildren?
I felt so hurt by that, but she was totally oblivious.
What do you think?
Coleen says
OK, if your parents had decided to retire to Spain and your brother didn’t live there, would you feel as angry and abandoned?
Or would you be thinking, ‘Wow, good for them and we can have some great holidays out there?’
The message you’re taking from this is that they love your brother and his family more than you and your kids and I just don’t think that’s true.
People at your parents’ stage of life often make a big change – move abroad, downsize their home, go travelling and so on.
Why not relocate somewhere you have family?
It’s clear you’re feeling abandoned and envious, but try to look at what they – and you – will gain instead of making this all about you and the sibling rivalry between you and your brother.
Your parents are retired, so don’t make this a difficult part of their lives.
You have your own children and your own life and, if you really did struggle with your parents giving more attention to your brother, then learn from it and make sure you’re different with your own children.
Why not talk to your mum about how you feel with them being so far away?
Don’t make her feel bad about moving away, but open a conversation – I’m certain she’ll be reassuring.
