Dear Coleen
My marriage has been in a very rocky state over the past 18 months, although problems had been building up for some time.
My husband and I have been together for eight years and married for six of those.
Last year things reached a crisis point and we separated a couple of times, and he moved out on both occasions.
During those times we also both slept with other people.
About three months ago, we decided to give things a proper go and it’s been going OK with the help of counselling, but the woman my husband was involved with keeps getting in touch.
He’s been transparent about this and tells me when she’s texted him and what she’s said, but he can’t seem to cut her off.
Her father was killed in a car crash recently and I think my husband feels guilty about abandoning her at such a bad time.
However, I don’t see how we can give our marriage a proper chance unless he is very clear with this woman that she mustn’t contact him.
Coleen says
I agree with you 100%.
I think what’s really hard for you is that there was clearly an emotional attachment between this woman and your husband, at least from her perspective.
It wasn’t just meaningless sex and so it feels like a much bigger threat to your relationship.
This woman needs to realise that she can’t depend on your husband for emotional support.
I’m sure your husband does feel sympathy for her, but she’s not part of your lives and she can’t be in his life if he wants to move on from you.
He doesn’t have to be unkind, but he can be clear that he has to focus on your marriage and he can’t do that if he’s still in touch with her.
She must have other friends and relatives to lean on to help her through this tough time, and she can also get support through grief counselling.
Perhaps your husband can ask her about these options.
But, as harsh as it sounds, if he genuinely wants to commit to you, then he needs to make a choice.
