Dear Coleen
I’m very confused and having a hard time walking the line of what is right and wrong for me in terms of my marriage. I have been with my husband since I was 18 (I’m now 33) and we have one child together.
However, I’m still deeply in love with my ex, who I dated for two years before meeting my husband.
He disappeared off the scene for a while and recently came back into the picture. Since then he’s been texting and calling me, and I can’t resist the urge to respond. It’s making all those old feelings I had for him resurface. He was my first everything and our separation wasn’t our choice.
I love my husband and the life we have, but our relationship has been rocky. I feel that most of the time we are just really good friends.
He is a good man and I know I can always count on him, but the sexual chemistry isn’t there any more.
(Image: Getty Images)
We have tried numerous times to fix this, but we seem to always end up at square one. I am just not sure what to do. I want to see my ex to see if the connection is truly still there or if it’s just nostalgia, but I also don’t want to hurt my husband and daughter, and have to change their lives.
Will these feelings pass?
Coleen says
I think these feelings would have a better chance of passing if you weren’t in touch with your ex.
So if you genuinely want to work out if you can save your marriage, then you have to cut contact with the ex.
I think you are romanticising this guy because your marriage has been rocky and he’s waltzed back into your life offering something different – something exciting.
But he’s not going to be the same guy he was when you were 16. Let’s be honest, you were just a kid when you were together and you will both have changed over the years.
I’d say most of us hold a special torch for our first true love – they’re the one we fall hardest for and they’re the toughest to get over.
You’ve told me you love your husband and he’s a great guy, so maybe you’ve just got into a relationship rut that you need help to get out of.
You don’t say how you’ve tried to fix things, but relationship counselling or psychosexual therapy might help.
It is possible to get the sexual side of your relationship back if you both want it and if you still love each other.
But you have to rebuild intimacy between you and you can’t do it with this ex hanging around.
Dear Coleen
About five months ago, I found out by chance that my husband was having an affair. I was checking the time on his mobile when a text came through from a woman asking when he could meet her that night, and saying he could stay at hers. He’d told me he was away on business.
I was shocked and upset, but when I confronted him, he broke down and confessed everything, and asked for another chance.
After a lot of talking about why he did it and how we both felt about our marriage, I decided to try to make it work.
Things have been better than ever between us but the problem is, my friends and family can’t stand him now and avoid him like the plague. I get it, but why can’t they be supportive?
Coleen says
What you have to explain to your friends and family is that he is in your life and the intention is that he’s in your life for ever, so it’s something they’re going to have to get used to.
I understand why they’re concerned for you, but they don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship and it’s not for them to judge. It’s very easy to have an opinion when you’ve never been there yourself.
Explain that while they might want to punish him, they’re also punishing you.
(Image: Ken McKay/ITV/REX/Shutterstock)
Hopefully, they’ll reflect on that. Your family will probably never be as close to your husband as they were, but it is possible to get along and to allow you the space to mend your marriage without being overly judgmental.
Dear Coleen
I’m a 16-year-old girl and my parents divorced when I was 11. I’ve been living with my mum and her husband since then and now have a three-year-old half-sister.
My dad is getting married in June and I can’t help worrying about whether it’ll work out or not. He was crushed when my mum left him for another man and he’s only really started to live his life again, and has recently bought a lovely home.
His fiancée is OK and quite friendly, but she’s also a decade younger than my dad, which I find quite odd and I’m not sure how to relate to her.
I think he has picked up that I’m not very enthusiastic – what should I do to show him I do care?
Coleen says
First of all, stop worrying about whether this marriage is going to work out or not. If it doesn’t, I’m sure your dad will cope, as he has in the past.
Right now, he’s happy, so try to be happy for him and get involved in the wedding excitement. The really important thing is that your dad knows you love him, so why not remind him? That’ll be the best wedding present you can give him.
Yes, it’s hard taking on a new step-parent and it takes time to adjust, but you should be honest with your dad if you’re finding it tough or aren’t sure where you fit in with his new arrangements.
It’s a good thing that your dad has found someone to share his life with and, you never know, you might grow to really like his new wife.
