Dear Coleen: My boyfriend's mum turned against me and is making my life hell

Dear Coleen

I’ve been engaged to my boyfriend for a few months. We met 18 months ago and are both in our early 30s and ready for commitment.

But our problem is my future mother-in-law – she’s ­threatening to ruin everything.

She’s an incredibly difficult person, controlling and highly anxious, and also downright rude.

At first she was OK towards me, but now she seems to have taken against me for no apparent reason.

She’s ignored me at family events, shouted at me because she didn’t agree with my opinion, and I even overheard her calling me a “smug cow”, which left me in tears.

I feel bad for my boyfriend because he’s embarrassed and doesn’t know what to do about it. He says his mum has always had “issues”, but can’t understand why she’s being like this.

I get on really well with other members of his family and I’m sure they feel embarrassed, too.

I always try to remain calm around her, but just recently I feel like I’ve had enough and I really don’t want to be anywhere near her.  

I feel stressed about what will happen at our wedding and I want to be able to have a civil relationship with her, but I’m not sure it’s possible.

Any advice?

Coleen says

Wow – poor you. It sounds as if she’d benefit from some professional help in the form of counselling. However, there’s not a lot you can do about that, so I think you have to focus on your relationship and not let her negative influence affect it.

I don’t know why she’d react like this. Maybe she feels threatened, maybe no one is good enough for her son, and these thoughts and feelings are all being fuelled by anxiety.

But here’s the thing – while it’s wonderful to be involved with family and feel supported by them, it doesn’t always work out that way.

It’s not a given that we’re going to get on with our in-laws like a house on fire. And, apart from the occasional family event, you don’t really have to see that much of her – your partner can visit her as much as he likes.

It sounds like your boyfriend has grown up walking on eggshells around his mother and maybe doesn’t know how to sort this out.

However, he can make it clear to her that you’re together, you’re happy, you’re getting married, and nothing is going to change that.

On the plus side, you get on well with the rest of the family and at the wedding there will be enough people there for her presence not to affect things. I’m also sure other people will be keeping tabs on her!

The bottom line is, I don’t think any woman would live up to her ­impossible standards so, as the saying goes, keep calm and carry on.

And enjoy this time with your fiancé, these are special years.