Dear Coleen
My eight-year marriage hit the rocks about 18 months ago when I found out my husband was seeing other women.
He didn’t become attached to anyone in particular, but he had several flings and lots of meaningless sex.
He’d been depressed beforehand and was a bit directionless in life, and we were struggling to communicate.
Having two young children didn’t help.
I ended up throwing him out, as I couldn’t get through to him and he wouldn’t open up to me. I’d had enough.
During this time my parents and siblings were wonderful – they supported the kids and me, and went out of their way to ease the stress.
Then about six months ago, my husband said he wanted to move back home and try again.
He’d been having therapy and realised he’d never dealt with family trauma from his childhood, including an alcoholic father and domestic violence.
He said this was at the root of his behaviour, but that he was working through it and was sorry for everything he’d put us through.
I eventually let him move back (a couple of nights a week for the first few weeks) and things have been going really well.
The problem is my family, who won’t give him another chance.
They just despise him for what he’s put us through and don’t even want to be around him.
It’s not helping and I don’t know what I can say to them to change their attitude. What do you suggest?
(Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
Coleen says
Your parents and siblings are being protective because they love you (not him), so it’s highly emotional for them.
You can’t force them to change their attitude, but perhaps in time, if things carry on going well and they can see that you’re all happy, they’ll gradually come round.
It’s still quite early days in terms of his therapy and rebuilding your relationship.
You believe in him and are willing to give him another chance, so that’s what you have to focus on.
It sounds as if you’ve been sensible by starting off letting him stay a few nights a week and taking things slowly.
It might also be worth considering having your own therapy or even relationship therapy, so you can work through things together.
As for your family, perhaps if they knew more about your husband’s background and the impact it’s had in adulthood, they may empathise a bit.
Maybe he could appeal to them directly and simply ask them to let him prove he’s worth a second chance.
