Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my late 20s and worried that I’ve never been in a proper relationship. I worry that it’s impossible to find someone in this day and age without using dating apps. I’ve never used one – I think it’s a confidence thing, the fear of rejection and also I don’t like the idea of people I know seeing my profile on an app.
I’ve been successful in my career and have a good group of friends, so I’m happy with every other aspect of my life. I think I’m quite good looking and have a lot to offer a partner, but I’ve never had any luck with relationships.
I know I’m still young, but surely I should have managed a proper relationship before now? I did date someone who was already in a relationship themselves and, when they ended the affair, it took a long time to move on, as I was younger, a bit naive and thought I was in love.
There have only been a couple of occasions when I’ve felt strongly for someone but, for various reasons, the other person wasn’t available. Now I’m approaching my 30s, many people are settled in relationships and even starting families, and I haven’t managed it myself.
I fear getting older and it becoming more of an issue that I don’t have someone to share my life with.
Coleen says
You’re overthinking things, but we’ve all had the opportunity to do that recently. I’ve always believed that if you search for something too hard, you rarely find it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dating apps – they’ve become a huge and important part of dating culture and there’s no stigma attached to them at all.
There are lots of them, so I think it’s about choosing the right one for you. There are some sites that are more about hook-ups, while others are more about finding lasting relationships. Do some research.
I know several people who’ve met the love of their life through an app. If nothing else, it might be good fun. Even if you don’t meet ‘the one’, you might have a few great dates, you’ll get used to meeting people and having conversations – just go into it with an open mind and don’t have any big expectations.
There’s a good argument for saying you find out more about someone online than in a nightclub. But, if the first date isn’t so great, don’t immediately give up. A friend of mine had about 20 dates before she met someone she really clicked with.
You are still young and most people don’t meet a life partner until at least their late 20s – so you’re at the start, not the end. It’s hard to see friends settling down, but it’s a waste of time comparing yourself to them – just focus on yourself.
