Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my husband for four years now and we’re blessed with two gorgeous boys. Before I met him, I was with another man for four years while we were at university, but we broke up because he cheated on me and made another woman pregnant.
This ex was my true love and still is, and I’ve found out that he called my friend and said he’d been trying to get in touch with me for the past year. He told her how sorry he was about what happened in the past and how much he still loves me, and that he wants me back.
The truth is, I’ve been mad at him for a really long time – maybe too long. However, I still love him with all my heart. I love my husband, too, but in a very different way.
I don’t know what to do, as I don’t want to break my husband’s heart and disappoint our families by going back to my ex. And I’m also scared of going back to him, only to find that he hasn’t changed.
I feel very confused – can you help?
Coleen says
Honestly, I think you need to be very careful and think long and hard about what you’ve got to lose. You’ve moved on from this ex and got over the heartbreak, and you must have loved your husband enough to marry him and have children.
The truth is, we don’t love people in the same way because we’re all individuals and every relationship is unique. We love people for different reasons.
There’s always romance and excitement attached to a first love or to “the one who got away”. And sometimes if a relationship is slightly toxic there’s something exciting about that, too.
We might be drawn to fixing it and trying to make it right, and it’s never boring. So when we do meet someone who treats us well and there isn’t much drama, it might feel boring.
Be wary of going back to someone who’s hurt you. Maybe he has changed or maybe he just wants what he can’t have because he mucked it all up – to him, you’re his one who got away.
Try to remember why you’re with your husband and think about whether your marriage just needs nudging out of a rut.
It’s a huge risk to reconnect with this guy, so you’d have to be very sure it was one worth taking.
