Dear Coleen
This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever written. I am a 57-year-old man, happily married and, for the past 30-odd years, have worshipped the ground my darling wife has walked on. We have three of the best kids anybody could ever wish for.
The thing is, my beautiful daughter, who is now in her twenties, may not be mine and it’s tearing me apart. When my wife was pregnant there were rumours the baby wasn’t mine but, as a stupid young male, I didn’t listen, even after a certain man told me she was his.
Now, years on, it’s driving me mad. I can’t sleep and sometimes feel so low it’s unbearable.
Why have I left it so long? I can’t answer that. I always thought we were so happy – don’t get me wrong, we had our ups and downs like any other couple – but I thought we were solid.
I have thought of a paternity test but I’d have to ask for or ‘steal’ a sample from my daughter.
One of the weirdest things is, I feel guilty. I am in floods of tears while writing this, which just isn’t me at all. I can honestly say with all my heart, my daughter would never know if I found out for sure she wasn’t mine. I love her so much and could never do that. I don’t want to accuse my wife either – it’s not my way.
If I could find out discreetly, I don’t even know if I would tell my wife – that’s how broken I am.
Coleen says
You don’t seem to want to confront your wife or a paternity test because you don’t want to find out your daughter isn’t yours biologically.
But, here’s the thing – anyone can provide the DNA to be a father, but it takes an awful lot more to be a good dad and you have proved to be a wonderful dad to your daughter. You’re the best dad she could ever have.
How would a paternity test change that? It wouldn’t.
However, I think you’re wrestling with a lot of unresolved questions and issues as far as your marriage goes so, whether you decide to confront your wife or not, I think it’d really help to work through how you feel with a counsellor.
It might be enough to get all those pent up emotions out in a safe space or, after a few sessions, you might feel stronger and more able to talk to your wife and tell her what you’ve been struggling with.
You have nothing to feel guilty for, but it would be helpful to explore with a counsellor why you feel this way. I do think it’s important for you to be able to express how you feel to someone and get rid of this burden.
And if it turns out your daughter doesn’t have your DNA, I can promise it won’t change how she feels about you – she’ll love you no matter what.
Also, it’s worth saying that you’re only going on rumours and the say so of a guy who was probably a jealous spurned lover and has an axe to grind. I think your wife is in a better position to know the truth.
