Dear Coleen
I’m a 55-year-old gay man and I’ve known about my sexuality since my teens, but I’ve never had any sexual experiences or relationships with anyone.
I’m still a virgin and I keep my sexuality a closely guarded secret.
Growing up in a small village community, I never felt comfortable declaring how I felt and only two or three people know the truth about me.
I have a great job, a house, a car and want for nothing, but I have this fear that life is passing my by and that I’ll never have any kind of relationship.
To complicate matters, I’m only attracted to much younger men (18 to 25 year olds), which makes me even more frustrated, because I know full well I have no chance of ever getting into a relationship with someone in this age group.
I’ve tried contacting helplines and support groups and have met some people face-to-face a few times but, because I’m just so uncomfortable and awkward, I don’t maintain contact.
Retirement scares me a great deal.
I don’t have any close friends and giving up work to do nothing at all is just too awful to contemplate.
I would love to meet someone I can trust and have a relationship with, but my life is just plodding on relentlessly and I’m stuck in the same routines.
I’d be grateful for any advice.
Coleen says
I realise it’s hard when you’re 55 and have spent decades concealing your sexuality, but things are unlikely to change unless you push yourself out of your comfort zone and let people in.
What have you got to lose by just being you?
Yes, there will always be a few people who don’t understand, but there will be many more who do.
Freeing yourself from this secret could transform the rest of your life – in fact, it could be the start of your life.
I think the problem is, unless you truly accept yourself first, it’s going to be hard to take that next step, which is where counselling could benefit.
I have a lot of gay friends and one of the things I’ve noticed is that, actually, in the gay community age isn’t such an issue.
I have a friend in his 50s whose boyfriend is 21.
But I wouldn’t close your mind to other possibilities – you could meet someone in his 30s or 40s who’s perfect for you.
Again, I have friends who were terrified of coming out for years and, when they did, most people were like, “OK, I kind of thought so”.
Without exception, they all told me they wished they’d done it sooner.
If you want to look for a qualified therapist, visit the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy here
