Dear Coleen
I have been married for 30 years, but the past decade has been such a struggle I’m now at a point where I want to leave my husband.
But I’m 60 and the thought of starting all over again seems overwhelming.
I don’t love my husband any more and I know he doesn’t love me either. We haven’t been intimate in many years and all we have in common now is our kids and our two young grandchildren, who we both love to bits.
He’s rude and snappy with me, and doesn’t care who’s around when he makes these barbed comments.
He blames me for everything, from the state of the garden to his unhappiness.
When he’s not sniping at me we don’t talk to each other at all. In fact, we’ve gone weeks barely exchanging a word, which is very hard.
We just avoid each other a lot of the time and it’s such a miserable way to live.
I really think the marriage has run its course, but I feel so trapped by everything we’ve built together over the years – our family and our home.
What can I do to break this stalemate?
(Image: Getty Images)
Coleen says
I think it’s about digging deep and finding the courage to take that first step. There’s no doubt that it’s terrifying to walk away from a relationship as long as yours.
I stayed in my first marriage way longer than I should have because of the fear of the unknown and whether I’d be able to survive on my own.
It simply wasn’t how I saw my life going and I felt like a big fat failure. It took a long time for me to accept that it wasn’t me who had failed, but that the marriage failed in the end. So, yes, it’s very scary, but aren’t you more scared of spending the rest of your life being this unhappy?
I found that once I took the initiative to get professional advice and started the ball rolling, things got easier. I felt more in control than I had in years.
Citizens Advice has information on ending a marriage, including financial arrangements (citizens advice.org.uk) – and it’s free. With each step you take, your confidence will grow and you’ll start to see the possibility of a good life on your own.
Of course, there will be difficult times, so draw on your friends and your grown-up children for support. But if you stick with it, I promise the relief will be incredible and you’ll start to look forward to a new start.
