Dear Coleen
In 2002, I found out my husband of 38 years was having an affair. We worked at the same place and it was going on right under my nose. I had a breakdown but carried on working through it all.
I divorced him in 2004 and our house was sold. I bought a four-bed semi-detached place (we had four kids, now grown up) and he moved in with his other woman and her three children.
I used to hear he wasn’t happy and every time I bumped into him he’d say he still loved me, but I just did my best to stay away from him and never caused any issues.
Then, in November last year, there was a knock at my door and it was him – he’d walked out on this woman and she’d thrown some framed photographs at him, cutting his eye.
So, I took him back after 14 years apart and I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing.
He still has belongings at the other house, he still pays all her bills as she doesn’t work and he provides for her kids. They still see mutual friends and she texts and calls him a lot.
Our children have confronted him, telling him he’s being unfair and selfish, and needs to make a clean break if he wants to be with me.
I’m 72 now and only ever wanted to be with him and enjoy our retirement together, along with our children and grandchildren. Should I tell him to go or just wait to see what happens?
Coleen says
If you’re happy with things the way they are, then you know what you can bear to live with. Personally, it’s not a situation I could put up with, but then I’m not in love with him and don’t share children and grandchildren.
Your kids are right – he’s not handled this properly and, from the outside, it looks as if he’s keeping his options open by not cutting ties with his ex.
But if you want the company and you want him in your life, then it’s your decision.
I think you feel torn between him and your kids, and you’re trying to make the right decision for everyone else, so really think about what you want for yourself and any conditions you want to put in place.
Whatever it is that will make you happy, go for it and everyone else will just have to live with it.
Huge congratulations to you for handling the affair and the fall-out so well. You didn’t let it destroy you. You’ve also proved you don’t need him, which is a good feeling.
Also, you might decide that, actually, you’re all right on your own and you don’t need all these complications.
Good luck.
