Dear Coleen
I got married 10 years ago when I was only 22 and didn’t do it for the right reasons.
I felt suffocated living at home – I didn’t get along with my mum’s partner, but had to live there after uni as I couldn’t find a job that paid enough to move out.
Then my husband came along and he offered a way out. I’m not in love with him though.
At first things were OK and our love life was fine too, but I definitely settled for him – it wasn’t a case of passion.
There was someone I was in love with at uni, but he ended up moving home as he was in the same position as me, so our – relationship ended.
Recently, we’ve reconnected – I know it’s a cliche trying to get something going again with your first love, but we still have strong feelings for each other.
He’s in a relationship too, although not married, and neither of us has kids.
I don’t want my life to pass me by, but should I gamble on things working out with my ex?
I’ve tried to accept my marriage and make it work, but it’s never going to happen. I’d love your advice.
Coleen says
It sounds to me as if you’ve made your mind up about your marriage and you certainly shouldn’t stay with your husband because it’s a “safe bet” and because things may not work out with this other guy.
That kind of thinking is what got you here in the first place.
However, I’d advise against jumping straight into something else with your ex. Both of you are in relationships and those need to be worked out first.
You need a bit of space and thinking time on your own to really consider what you want in your future.
Don’t jump into another relationship because it offers an escape route, which is exactly what you did by getting married in order to leave home.
If you’re meant to be with this guy, then take it slowly and be in the right place before starting something with him.
When it comes to ending your marriage, there’s no easy way to do it, I’m afraid. Your husband will be hurt, and you’ll have to deal with the emotional fallout and any other financial and practical considerations.
However, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to stay married to someone who’s not in love with him and he also deserves a chance to be happy and start again.
