Dear Coleen
My daughter has three young children aged two, four and seven.
She has an on-off relationship with their father, which has been tough on the children and consequently their behaviour is very bad a lot of the time.
They constantly have meltdowns if they don’t get their own way, they’re rude to grown-ups (including me and my husband) and they fight among themselves a lot, too. It’s bedlam sometimes when I go over there.
The eldest has been in trouble a lot at school for hitting other children and being generally naughty, but when I try to give my daughter friendly advice, she just gets angry and says, “You try having my life” or “You try and make them behave”.
I do sympathise with her and want to help. I realise it must be tough having a partner she can’t rely on.
However, I think she needs to get a grip on her kids’ behaviour before it’s too late.
I love these kids to death, but I don’t like them most of the time.
The children stayed with us a couple of weeks ago and some friends popped in for a drink.
The eldest boy threw a tray of sausages at our male friend when he made a joke about the football team he supported. It was mortifying.
(Image: Getty)
Coleen says
It’s got to be tough for your daughter, coping with three young children largely on her own.
It sounds as if she needs to let people help her – I wonder why she’s putting up barriers.
Maybe it’s pride or perhaps she doesn’t know how to ask for some support.
However, what I’ve learnt from being a working mum of three, and from being a single parent for a couple of years, is that consistency is key when it comes to discipline.
It’ll be hard at first because her kids will kick against it, but ultimately children feel safe and contained when they have clear boundaries.
When my kids were acting up, taking away a privilege or a favourite toy was a good tactic. I stuck to my guns, even though giving in would have made life easier in the short term.
I imagine your daughter gives in to her kids a lot because she’s stressed and it seems the easy option.
You can help to teach your grandchildren and put boundaries in place too. If they stay with you, it should be your way or the highway.
Rather than lecturing your daughter (which is tempting, I’m sure), suggest coming up with some ideas around discipline and, if you can, suggest helping out more if it means she’ll be less stressed and better equipped to cope with the children when she gets them back.
