Dear Coleen
I’m having problems with one of my friends who’s always had a really toxic relationship with her husband. They’re actually great people, but together it’s like dynamite and not in a good way.
They both drink too much and argue – invariably one of them walks out or is chucked out.
The thing is, whenever they’re going through a bad time, she withdraws from me completely and I never see her. She ignores my calls and emails, and then when they get back together and everything is rosy again, she tells me what a git he is and complains about him and how rubbish her life is.
I’ve tried to give her my opinion in the past and I’ve been very supportive – practically and emotionally – but I don’t know what else to say to her. If I’m honest, I feel offended that she just disappears off the radar when things are bad between them and I don’t hear from her in weeks.
How can I help her when she won’t reach out to me?
It’s starting to wear thin because I’m not sure why we’re friends any more – surely good friends and there in bad times and good and you don’t just drop someone for weeks on end?
Coleen says
I think the fact she disappears when things are bad could mean she’s embarrassed and maybe aware that you might not want to get involved in all the drama. So she stays away until it’s all blown over and then has a moan about it.
It might be worth asking her why she retreats when she’s going through a bad patch and remind
her that it shouldn’t mean your friendship goes off the radar.
Tell her you’re concerned for her when she does a disappearing act and you can’t get in touch with her.
I think it can be tough as a friend in your position – giving advice and being a shoulder to cry on but not being listened to. It’s wearing and it doesn’t leave much space for you.
Good friendships are a two-way street and if you’re simply a sounding board for her, then maybe you need to think about how much you actually want her in your life.
Maybe the next time she comes to you with the same issues, don’t give any advice – just change the subject and move on to something you want to talk about.
