When Nicki Rodriguez spent Christmas with her ex-husband and his parents last year, she admits some people found it strange. “Just because a romantic relationship didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that you can’t stay friends,” she explains. “I am on great terms with my ex and his parents. They live with him and I often go around and see them when he is away.”
Prospective partners, in particular, struggle to understand. “The men I meet just can’t seem to accept it,” she says. They would prefer it if we hated each other.” But life is too short for bitterness and jealousy. “We have a son together and I have a daughter from my previous marriage. When we first split up, things were a bit awkward, but for the sake of the children we both knew we had to get over it and make it work.”
Nicki became close to her in-laws six years ago, when her son was diagnosed with autism. “We were worried and they helped us through.” Since the couple ended their 10-year relationship in 2016 her ex-mother-in-law has become even more important to her. “It’s like having two mums,” she says. “My mother-in-law is very blunt and direct, like me, which is why I think we get on so well. She’s always there if I need her and when I’m sick she calls me up to check I’m OK.”
She has supported Nicki’s career and helps out with childminding. “Because of my son’s autism, he couldn’t go to nursery or a childminder. My ex’s mum made a huge effort to read books and articles on how to manage his behaviour and communicate with him to make him feel comfortable.” She has also maintained her relationship with Nicki’s daughter from a previous marriage, who she sees as family. “We still get cards with ‘daughter-in-law’ and ‘granddaughter’ on them for special occasions.”
But not everyone is as lucky as Nicki after a breakup, and even the strongest relationships with in-laws can become complicated. James was devastated when he discovered his partner Amy (not their real names) had been cheating on him last year – and not just because he ended up losing her and having to share residence of their young son
Before the affair, the couple had lived in Amy’s home town for most of their seven-year-relationship. In that time, James grew extremely close to her parents and grandparents. “They were all very easy-going, with a great sense of humour,” he says. “They accepted me and made me feel like I was part of the family.” The couple weren’t married, but Amy’s parents referred to him as their son-in-law. “On one occasion, we all went on holiday together, which was brilliant. I think I enjoyed spending time with them even more than she did.”
When the couple split up, Amy’s grandparents took his side and distanced themselves from their granddaughter. “They were really angry with her. They told me I was their adopted grandson and they really didn’t want to lose me.” James says he enjoys seeing them every week, but admits it comes with challenges. “It has made things a bit awkward. Amy’s not very happy that we’re still in contact all the time, and it has impacted their relationship.” Although he has considered taking a step back to let the family build bridges, he doesn’t want his son to miss out. “Her grandmother is very unwell at the moment, and I think it’s important that he spends as much quality time with him as possible.”
When James discovered Amy’s affair, her mother was the first person he confided in. “I didn’t know where else to turn. I never had the sort of mum who fixes things, and my dad’s great, but he’s not very emotional. I felt like Amy’s mum was my mum.”
Amy’s parents were supportive afterwards – without taking sides – but they and James have since drifted apart. He says the loss hit him hard. “Her mum and dad moved abroad recently and we’re not really in touch. Splitting up is always difficult, but losing my in-laws has been like losing my own parents.”
It’s something that Lynnette Hecker can sympathise with, after separating from her ex-husband, Nick, in 2012. “I had a wonderful relationship with his family when we were together. They’re the loveliest, kindest people and I absolutely adore them.” During the couple’s six-year relationship, she developed a close bond with Nick’s mother. “We had loads in common. She’s confident, like me, and loves travel, culture and fashion. When we got married she helped me with every aspect of the wedding planning.”
“People like to pitch women against women,” she says, “and there’s a stereotype of us not getting on well with our mother-in-laws, but I adored mine.”
Lynnette went on to develop equally strong relationships with four of Nick’s half-sisters. “When we got married they all had young children, so his nieces were bridesmaids at our wedding and his nephew was the pageboy. They felt like my own family.”
Nick’s mother and sisters were supportive during and after the breakup. However, she admits, being around them was painful. “Every time I saw them, it would remind me of the fact I was no longer truly part of their family.” About 12 months after the split, she had accepted that the marriage was over, but still missed being a member of his family. “It was a real, serious loss, like grieving. I’d had other long-term partners before and got on with their families, but this was different – there was such a strong bond. We just clicked.”
When we form bonds with a family, even if it’s not our own, those can be hard to break. Emma (not her real name) says she was heartbroken when her boyfriend of five years decided to move abroad for a while. By the time he returned home, she had moved on, but he stayed in regular contact with her family. “He used to cycle down to my mum’s house and they’d go out and walk the dogs together.” Although Emma didn’t mind them meeting up, when her sisters and brother-in-law saw him without letting her know, it made her feel uncomfortable. “I don’t think they were deliberately trying to be secretive but that’s how it felt.”
While she thinks her family should have been more open, she understands why they wanted to stay in touch. “My mum always had a soft spot for him and she was really upset when we split up. My previous boyfriends hadn’t treated me that well, and he was the first ‘good egg’. He was very charming and I think she saw him as the ideal son-in-law.” Though Emma and her ex would meet up occasionally after the split, they eventually lost contact completely a few years ago. “I think his relationships with my family have fizzled out now, though they’re still friends on social media. It would be weird if they were still very close now, when we don’t speak.”
As for Lynnette Hecker, who shared so much of her life with her former in-laws, she has seen what normally happens after up a breakup. Her ex-husband Nick had become close to her father after losing his own dad at a young age. “My father is quite old-fashioned and didn’t feel the need to stay in touch with Nick after we split,” Lynette says. “I think Nick was a bit sad that I’d managed to stay on such good terms with his family, when he’d lost his relationship with my father.”
