Politics

Brian Reade: No sugar-coating… the Queen should tell Johnson ‘you’re fired’


Bookies are taking bets on the first thing Boris Johnson’s government will ration after a no-deal Brexit.

I’m thinking of putting a tenner on admissions of guilt, because they’re guaranteed to be thinner than the gruel most of the poor will have to eat when food prices rocket.

Or answers to the question, “how did we end up being driven over a cliff by a man described as ‘a mentalist’ and a ‘career psychopath’ who runs a ‘reign of terror’ at the heart of government?”

Words used by Tories who’ve worked with the man now referred to as “ Boris Johnson’s brain ”, his chief of staff Dominic Cummings . You’ve seen him, even though you’re not supposed to as he prides himself on working in the shadows. He’s the one who looks like a constipated Gollum wearing a T-shirt he’s nicked off a teenage intern.

Someone bullied at school for being an uppity nerd who spent his adult life in a bedsit plotting how to detonate a bomb at his classmates’ reunion.

Queen Elizabeth has a job to do

 

The Leave mastermind who won the referendum vote by training people to shout “take back control”, “let’s give £350m a week to the NHS” and “the dirty Turks will take your jobs”.

Although the mastermind had no idea what to do once the vote had been won, which is why the hapless Leave crew have parachuted him back in and he’s now training them to shout, “politicians don’t get to choose which votes they respect”.

Good news though.

The elitist-hating Oxford graduate, who’s married to a baronet’s daughter, has come up with a cunning plan which involves Johnson refusing to resign after losing a no-confidence vote in the Commons and squatting in Downing Street until a no-deal Brexit is done.

And although constitutional experts say the Queen could “dispense with his services”, Cummings is betting there’s no chance of that because she never interferes in politics.


 

Like a crinoline toilet roll doll, she merely sits there for decoration.

But can he be sure? I’m not the Queen’s biggest fan, but if she sees her authority questioned and her country at war, who’s to say she won’t hatch her own cunning plan?

One that smacks down two-bit opportunists such as Johnson and Cummings and strikes back at hardened Republicans like me who see the royals as pointless, palace-dwelling parasites.

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A plan that would do more to save the monarchy than opening a few rooms in Buckingham Palace for tourists or a thousand royal wedding tea towels.

All it would take, if Johnson defies the will of parliament, is a flunkey’s phone call to No 10, a summoning of his presence to Balmoral, and this 20-second conversation:

QUEEN: Good day.

JOHNSON: Victorum veritas your magistorium.

QUEEN: Cut the Pound Shop Classical Scholar act. I’ve got more Latin words after my name than you’ve had illegitimate children.

JOHNSON: Ah, you’re up for a jest, my merry monarch.

QUEEN: Not really. My parliament has spoken and they want you out.

JOHNSON: But I’m carrying out
the will of Dominic Cummings, I mean the people.

QUEEN: Let me put it in a language you understand: Te sunt direptum.

JOHNSON: Sorry.

QUEEN: (Puts on Mockney accent and points) You’re fired.

Go for it, girl. You’ve nothing to lose but your crinoline toilet roll
doll look.





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