Politics

Brian Reade: 2019… from vegan sausage roll to the Rees-Mogg flop


IT was the year of two Tory prime ministers and record A&E waiting times, as the inability to sort out Brexit saw millions need ­emergency surgery after butting walls in dismay.

On the upside, we had a spate of milkshakes being tossed at right-wing politicians, the youth got politicised again – this time over the planet’s future, Robert Mugabe died, the Greggs vegan sausage roll was a revelation and, with the likes of Succession, Chernobyl, The Virtues and Fleabag on the box, television viewers had never had it so good.

Oh, and Liverpool FC became European and World Champions. Sorry, but these are my awards. 

And here’s the rest of my bouquets and brickbats…

No one was cooler or braver than Stormzy in 2019

BEST MAN

John McDonnell had the balls to commit sacrilege by labelling Winston Churchill a part-villain, and received the wrath of the Establishment.

James Blunt continued putting out brilliant, self-effacing tweets, and Julian Richer of Richer Sounds handed control of his company to his staff as he turned 60, giving them 60% of his shares and proving you don’t have to be a greedy b*****d to be successful at making money. 

But no one was cooler or braver than Stormzy, who became the first black solo British artist to headline Glastonbury, wearing a Banksy-created stab-proof vest emblazoned with the Union Jack, and who called out Boris Johnson all year for fuelling racism in Britain.

BEST WOMAN

Baroness Warsi called out the Tory Islamaphobes but no one heard her as they were too busy worrying about Labour’s race problems.

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Meanwhile, Miriam Margolyes spoke for the nation by telling Australian TV that former Tory PM David Cameron should be “boiled in oil”. 

Phoebe Waller-Bridge deserves a mention for everything she wrote, and Keeley Hawes for every role she took on.

However, runner-up is American footballer Megan Rapinoe, who, when hearing President Trump wanted to press the flesh of the World Cup winners said, “I’m not going to the f***ing White House.” 

And the winner had to be Greta Thunberg, for giving Trump THAT stare, and winding-up all sanctimonious, middle-aged male bores on this dying planet.

The winner had to be Greta Thunberg, for giving Trump THAT stare

WORST MAN

There was dirtbag James Dyson who, after banging the patriotic drum for the global opportunities of Brexit, moved his company HQ to Singapore. And Morrissey carried on committing career suicide by spouting fascist nonsense at every opportunity, even arguing that Nigel Farage would make a great prime minister. 

Chuka Umunna was in more parties than Kim Kardashian, and Boris Johnson stopped caring that every time he opened his mouth a lie came out. 

But no one could touch the deluded, arrogant self-denial of Prince Andrew in that car-crash interview where he had no recollection of anything that happened on the other side of the Atlantic, except getting shot at 37 years ago.

WORST WOMAN

The contenders are Theresa May weeping tears of self-pity as she left Downing Strreet, Brexit Party leader Catherine Blaiklock for saying “foodbanks are turning people obese”, and Liz Truss for thinking the same (you know she does). 

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The human begging bowl Sarah Ferguson (aka The Duchess) for shamelessly defending Prince Andrew after taking a £15,000 loan off paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, austerity-enabler Jo Swinson pretending her voting record never happened, and Madonna ignoring pleas to boycott Eurovision in Israel because of war crimes against Palestinians so she could plug her new single. 

But the winner was Boris Johnson’s floppy-disc assistant Jennifer Arcuri, for being paid handsomely to say nothing about their relationship when we just know she must have some REAL dirt on him.

BEST QUOTE

Paul O’Grady was back on form with this attack on his ITV employers: “Phil and Holly – the pair who p*ss themselves if somebody says ‘bum’… And who the f*** wants to watch Alan Titchmarsh?”

Prince Andrew could have had 20 entries here, no sweat, but we’ll just go with his priceless alibi for not meeting 17-year-old Virginia Roberts: “I was in Pizza Express, Woking.”

But the winner was Coleen Rooney, for creating the new literary persona Wagatha Christie with her dramatic, cliff-edge revelation over where she claims stories about her nail technician appointments had been leaked from: “It’s… Rebekah Vardy’s account”.

BEST SIGHT

Failing Chris Grayling, the Mr Bean of politics, whose ministerial errors cost the taxpayer £2.6billion, finally standing down from front bench politics.

Kids going on strike to save their planet.

Lottery winner Ade Goodchild raising two fingers to the bores who say outrageous luck won’t change their lives by revealing what he’d do with his £71million Euromillions win: blow it on “women and wine, and waste the rest”. 

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But the winner by an imperial mile was Jacob Rees-Mogg, when he sprawled across the Commons front bench like a Roman Emperor awaiting slaves to carry him away on a sedan chair.

With one simple action he summed up to perfection what this shower of elitist Tories really think of us.

TOP TRUMP NARCISSISM OUTBREAK

Taking bronze, this gem as he announced he’d single-handedly killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi: “You know, they [ISIS] use the internet better than almost anybody in the world, perhaps other than Donald Trump.”

With the silver is his reply to demands to publish his tax returns: “When you see my financials, which I’ll give at the right time, you’ll say, ‘Man, he was much better than we even thought’.”

But gold had to go to this tweet as he pulled troops out of Syria: “As I have stated strongly before, and just to reiterate, if Turkey does anything that I, in my great and unmatched wisdom, consider to be off limits, I will totally destroy and obliterate the Economy of Turkey (I’ve done before!).”

Daily Mirror news





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