How bad do you have to be for Dominic Cummings to claim you have no integrity?
That’s like the founders of the European Super League saying, ‘I don’t trust him, he’s too greedy’.
But a war between Cummings and Boris Johnson should be wonderfully imaginative, as neither of them can tell the truth for more than a few seconds.
Johnson will tell Sky News that Cummings asked Putin at a G8 summit to poison the Downing Street cat, and Cummings will retaliate by leaking to The Times that Boris Johnson offered Angela Merkel a nuclear bomb if she’d sleep with him in the Black Forest.
(Image: Crown Copyright)
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Johnson will leak an email to Good Morning Britain, suggesting Cummings offered to take over as public relations officer for Isis to improve their image in the Jewish community.
And Cummings will leak papers to the Financial Times, revealing Johnson had Jacob Rees-Mogg created in a lab by his old biology master, to make himself seem less ridiculous.
Cummings says he has lots of Johnson’s old phone texts, but we can guess what they’ll say. One from February 2020 must go, “OMG! Science guys say we should lock down. WTF! Just a bit of flu! Herd immunity rocks!”
Another will say, “Off to shake hands wiv infected guys. No danger!” And one from the next day will say, “FFS! I’ve got Covid. No idea where I got it!”
There will be one sent to Cummings that starts, “Hi Dom. Eyesight! Gr8 excuse. UR Legend!”
(Image: PA)
And there will be hundreds sent to Cabinet members, from old friends that go, “Hi u OK? Remember last summer? What a blast! Can u give me contract for making stuff? Don’t care what. No idea how to make anything but no probs lol. Luv xxx”
Because one of the lessons of the text messages that doesn’t need much investigating is that the main skill a business needs to win a Government contract is the ability to have the Prime Minister’s phone number.
If you have it, give him a call and the job’s yours. So if you’re the plumber who fixed the boiler in Chequers, you should call him and ask if you can provide a few tanks for the army and you’ll be given the job by the afternoon.
But now the main question asked is who leaked the information about Boris Johnson’s texts. This is the trick they always play. And it works because everyone becomes distracted.
BBC News could announce that, after months of investigation, “we have evidence that a nuclear weapon was spotted in Berlin under Angela Merkel’s desk, and a pair of Boris’s pants were discovered in the Black Forest”.
And Boris Johnson would say, “the important issue is who leaked the texts, that gave away the shrub in which my underwear was dangling”.
But he could be in trouble.
Because who would have thought someone he employed to be deceitful and lacking in integrity, would turn out to be deceitful and so lacking in integrity that he’d accuse his old employer of lacking integrity, when one of the many things Johnson has done with no integrity was accepting that Cummings story about checking his eyes?
