The best way to react is to do absolutely nothing, says Mariella Frostrup
The dilemma My girlfriend and I have been together for four years. A year ago we moved from London to a smaller city where we met a woman in a bar who seemed eager to become friends. As time went on it became apparent that she often lures men and women in relationships to have sex. It wasn’t long before she made advances towards me, which I rejected. Since then she has turned nasty and ignores me. She is also verbally toxic towards others. My girlfriend has suffered from mental illness and struggles with guilt and shame. This means she has issues saying no to people. The woman has her buying her dinner and sharing information about our relationship – mainly to do with sex. She puts pressure on her to catch up many times a week. I’m trying to be supportive, but my girlfriend defends her and is sceptical of her coming on to me, saying I miss the attention. It feels as if she’s been reeled in and can’t see her behaviour is causing an issue. I’m starting to feel like a ranting boyfriend, which is making it worse.
Mariella replies Understandable. The annoying thing about partners is that all too often they completely disregard our opinions about friends and family. You’d think that sharing someone’s bed and life would put you in pole position to dictate, or at least influence, their choices, but when push comes to shove, all they plough is their own flawed furrow. I can feel your pain, but unfortunately there’s little I can do to assuage it.
It’s worth considering the worst case scenario as then there’s little power left to those who are causing us upset
