50 Christmas cracker jokes to laugh or groan at with family and friends

What says Oh Oh Oh? What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? What happened to the Advent calendar thief?

These are just three cracker jokes you can expect to hear round the table – or over FaceTime – this Christmas.

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, Christmas cracker jokes are a staple of the festive period.

As ever, some are funny and others will make your eyes roll and groan.

Here are 50 jokes you can trot out over Christmas. 30 are all-time ‘classics’ while 20 are new and topical Christmas gags based on the year we’ve just had.

You never know, they may just put a smile on your face at the end of a tough 2020!

Quizzes are also popular at this time of year, so if you’re planning your own, try out this 100-question quiz all about Christmas or take on this list of 100 questions all about 2020.

2020 Christmas cracker jokes

1. What is Dominic Cummings ‘ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate

3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled

4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity

5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it’s behind you

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7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn

8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone

11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail

12. Why won’t Santa lose any presents this year? He’s downloaded Sack and Trace

13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It’ll take ages to flatten the curve

14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat

15. Why wasn’t Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs

16. Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out

17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year’s staff Christmas party? Put him on mute

18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook

19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford

20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn’t book a home delivery

30 classic Christmas cracker jokes

Friends laughing as they sit around a table eating and drinking at Christmas
Will these Christmas cracker jokes make you laugh or roll your eyes?

1. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas Eve

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2. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick

3. Why was the turkey in the pop group? Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

4. How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas turkey? On the Dark Side

5. Who is Rudolph’s favourite popstar? Beyon-sleigh

6. What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite

7. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

8. Why is it getting harder to buy advent calendars? Because their days are numbered

9. What’s round and bad tempted? A vicious circle

10. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose

11. On which side do chickens have the most feathers? On the outside

12. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes

13. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy

14. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost

15. Why did the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party? He had no body to go with

16. What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots

17. Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill? The National Elf Service

18. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours

19. How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed? You’ve got three extra hoes

20. Why did the Grinch go to Bargain Booze? He was searching for some holiday spirit

21. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia

22. What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful!

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23. What says Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards!

24. What do elves post on social media? Elf-ies!

25. What’s yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard!

26. Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance? They have two left feet!

27. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle

28. What do fish sing at Christmas time? Christmas Corals

29. How does Christmas Day end? With the letter ‘Y’

30. What happened to the Advent Calendar thief? He got 25 days


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