Facing another Valentine’s Day single? Or perhaps you’ve considered the human options available and deemed them all inferior? Either way, you needn’t be alone this Love Day.
As ever, videogames are here to save you. Here’s our list of the characters and animate objects from your favourite games that deserve your love this February 14th — and since they’re made of pixels and thus unable to receive gifts, the treats you can get yourself as a substitute for their physical presence.
1. Dogmeat (Fallout)
Image: Bethesda
Fallout would have been a completely different game without your loyal canine companion, and not in a good way. Dogmeat deserves all your love this Valentine’s Day because he is faithful as hell, never leaving your side and even putting himself in harm’s way to defend you against enemies.
If you have a real-life doggo, give him the Dogmeat look with your choice of fancy bandana. If not, grab yourself one of Bethesda’s official accessories: either the realistic 1/6 statue at £44.99, or the super-kawaii plushie at £14.99.
2. JobBot (Job Simulator)
Image: Owlchemy Labs
What do single people do? Throw themselves into work, of course! And JobBot is here to help with that. Complete with his suave red necktie, adorable CRT monitor face and general aura of “yeah, if you could just job, that’d be great,” he’ll keep you on task and not at all thinking about the yawning chasm in your heart.
Make him even happier by turning up to work with your own geometric “I heart job” mug, around £20.
3. Yoshi (pick your own Mario game)
Image: Nintendo
The world’s most adorable dinosaur deserves all of the love this February. All of it. From his precious little noises to his (her?) propensity to lay speckled eggs on command, Yoshi has been by Mario’s — and therefore our — side since the eighties, and never complains when you need a ride (hurr hurr).
If you’d like a real-world Yoshi to cuddle, you can’t go wrong with the Yoshi’s Woolly World amiibos, £13.99, made from actual yarn for extra snuggliness.
4. Josef (Machinarium)
Image: Amanita Design
The little robot with the extendable body stole our hearts and stored them in his, er, cavity. He went to huge lengths to rescue his companion Berta, which just goes to show that he makes a dedicated partner who’ll stick by you through anything. Plus he can hold your keys on a night out.
If you sometimes feel like a robot, or empty inside, Josef totally gets you. And if you don’t want to cuddle his sweet little plushie (about £20), you can use it to store stuff instead.
5. Weighted Companion Cube (Portal)
Image: Amazon
This heart-emblazoned box is pretty much everything we want in a non-human partner: it’s sentient but can’t speak (and therefore will never disagree with you, unlike actual people), it’s nicely weighted for a positive cuddling experience, and unlike the cake, it’ll never lie to you.
Since there’s so much love for the Companion Cube, there’s lots of merch out there, but we’d go for the plush version (£20) for maximum snuggleability.
6. The Adoring Fan (Oblivion)
Image: screenshot
If what you need from your significant other is endless sycophantic praise, the Adoring Fan from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is the love object of your dreams. He thinks everything you do is absolutely amazing, and will gladly follow you around like a lovesick puppy until you get fed up and murder him (there’s an alarming number of YouTube videos about different ways to do this. Don’t you people like unsolicited backrubs?!).
Since most people think the Adoring Fan is really annoying, there’s no merch, but you could try spending the money on therapy for your low self-esteem.
7. The Abominable Snow Monster (Skifree)
No matter what you do, no matter how far you go, the Abominable Snow Monster is there for you. He pretty much always catches up to you, gathers you into his big, cosy, monstery arms, and… devours you.
If that’s what you’re into, no judgment here. 
Like the Adoring Fan, the Abominable Snow Monster clearly worships you, given that he hangs around on the cold ski-slope every day to see if you’ll be skiing more than 2000 metres past the finish line so he can come and gobble you up. Yes, it’s a bit creepy, but if You is a love story, then so is this. 
You can still download SkiFree (free!) here, which may be the best Valentine’s present the world has ever given us.
8. Chocobo (Final Fantasy)
If you’re too chicken (geddit) to declare your love for the favoured human in your life, how about a big, feathery, yet mostly-flightless bird?
It comes when you call and lets you ride it (not like that), it’ll win races for you, carry you through all kinds of dangers, and if you’re really lucky, it’ll give you adorable little chocobabies. Kweh!
Square Enix has a tonne of Chocobo merch, but our choice is definitely the Fat Chocobo Hooded Towel (£35.99), so you can wrap yourself up in the soft, loving embrace of your number one bird.
9. Sex unicorn (The Witcher 3)
Image: tastefully-cropped screenshot
If you like your Valentine’s nights a bit more steamy, you could do worse than the infamous Sex Unicorn from The Witcher 3. We’re not sure exactly what it adds to an intimate encounter, but Yennefer has great taste, so we’ll take her word for it.
We’re not willing to compromise our Google results enough to find you an actual sex unicorn (though we wouldn’t be surprised if they’re out there) — so how about this superbly sexy mask, yours for £8.99, instead? Or just, like, glue a dildo to your forehead.
10. That bloody goose (Untitled Goose Game)
Image: goose.game
The nameless “horrible goose” from Untitled Goose Game is a mean thief who doesn’t care about anyone or anything besides itself. In that way, it’s similar to pretty much all of our exes, and thus totally our type.
There is official Goose Merch, although we suspect there’s only one of each thing and the goose just steals it back every time it sells. Alternatively, buy yourself a pair of glasses, leave them somewhere obvious, and wait for your pecky paramour to strike.
Main image: Twitching_Moss via Flickr CC
