Another year, another crop of terrible jokes in Christmas crackers.
If you don’t know that crossing a snowman and a vampire means frostbite, you’ve never truly celebrated Christmas at all.
But, as classic as these jokes are, they can get a little tired over time (even if your nan still hysterically laughs at every one).
Given the politically, environmentally, and pretty much everything-ly tumultuous year we’ve had, it’s time we got some new ones on the go that are topical and actually funny.
With that in mind, TV channel Gold challenged the nation to come up with the best topical Christmas cracker jokes.
The competition has been running for the last seven years, and this year has produced a total belter in the form of the winner, referencing Donald Trump.
The author of the winning joke, Matt King, a secondary school teacher from Wokingham, received £1,500 towards a holiday and a box of bespoke Gold Christmas Crackers, one of which will contain his own top gag. Let’s hope he wins that cracker pull.
The top ten in general are great, although we should probably warn you that they will likely start an argument around many a Christmas table.
If you’re brave enough, why not stick these in your homemade crackers this year.
Top 10 topical Christmas cracker jokes 2019
Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn’t get on with china.
Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
What is Coleen Rooney’s favourite game to play over the festive period? Guess Who.
Why doesn’t Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa? Because he struggles in the poles.
Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas? Because she’s a swede dish campaigner.
What’s the difference between Rudolph’s nose and David Cameron’s autobiography? Only one will be red at Christmas.
What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? A melt.
What is Olivia Colman’s favourite part of a turkey? The Crown.
With everything from Love Island to the Royal Family referenced, the list beats ‘what do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?’ (tinsillitis if you haven’t heard it a million times) by a mile.
Comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who led the Gold judging panel, says, ‘Amongst the political turmoil that seems to have swamped our country this year, we can always rely on British humour to pull us through. With subjects ranging from Brexit and Love Island, to Greta Thunberg and Coleen Rooney, there are jokes here to tickle even the biggest of scrooges.’
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